


Care Tactics

by AnonEhouse



Category: Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Animal Transformation, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(as crack I felt free to totally blend the movie and comics verse, so, imagine the Avengers cast, but living in the comics Avengers' mansion- only in Chapter two they wound up in the Tower-- how did that happen? Well, there was quite a bit of time between chapter 1 and chapter 2... THEY MOVED.) No actual nookie contained in this fic, just a relationship which includes nookie.</p><p>Pepper and Tony are run ragged by the demands of Stark Industries and heroing. So it's not unreasonable for Pepper to have the fleeting wish that for a change someone would take care of <i>them</i>. Crackily enough, her wish is granted, but not at all how she had hoped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Pepper finished sending off the last of the vital emails to prevent S.I. from sinking under the weight of the latest 'Let's blame Iron Man/Tony Stark/Avengers' fiasco and turned to Tony; a warm weight surprisingly considerate in occupying no more than his half of the bed. "Tony?" She laid her hand on his shoulder, carefully avoiding the ugly purple bruise over the trapezius. "Tony?" There was a twitch and a subvocal groan. She sighed. Between the company keeping her busy, and Iron Man getting Tony beat up on a semi-regular basis the two of them never seemed to be awake and in bed together at the same time. Well, she was tired anyway. Why fight it? She cuddled up behind him, wrapping her arms loosely around his chest so she could feel the faint 'thrum' of the arc reactor. She mumbled into the soft, faintly grease-smelling curls at the nape of his neck, "Wish we didn't have to do it all. Why can't someone take care of _us_ for a change?"

***

Jarvis woke them up, as he always did, with a brief announcement of the weather. Pepper woke up, surprised that her eyes were already open, and screamed at the sight of a dark, furry object nearby. The scream came out a squeal, doubled as the black-furred rodent tumbled over and came up facing her, squeaking.

"Oh, god, there's a RAT in the bed! Tony!" Pepper said, well, she thought she said. But it was more squeaks. 

"Yeah! A red rat!" the black furry creature squeaked/said. "No, wait... guinea pig? Huh, wonder if something escaped from Bruce's lab."

Pepper went still. Except for her nose which insisted on twitching. "Tony?"

"Um. Yeah? Is that you, Pepper?" The black... guinea pig, apparently... scratched its head with one tiny black foot which didn't really rearrange the truly awesome collection of cowlicked swirls of fur covering his whole pudgy body. "This is weird."

"Very weird. We're guinea pigs," Pepper squeaked/said, trying the idea out for size. She looked down at her arm...leg... and then back along her side. Pale red fur, long, sleek and smooth, but except for that, she looked a lot like scruffy Tony guinea pig. "Tony, we are guinea pigs."

"Hey, it's all right. We'll fix this. Sure. JARVIS!" Tony squeak/yelled. They waited. Jarvis didn't respond. "Well, that's no good. He doesn't speak guinea pig."

"No one speaks guinea pig," Pepper said. She walked over to the edge of the bed and peered down. "We'll have to go for help."

"Right, right." Tony skittered over to the edge and started climbing down.

"Tony! Watch out!"

"Don't worry, Pep, I've got....awww, ow..." Tony's tiny claws lost their grip and he thumped onto the floor, landing on his side and then getting to all fours, whiskers twitching like mad. "Watch the first step, it's a doozy."

"Wait for me!" Pepper pushed her pillow off the bed, then climbed/fell off onto the pillow to join Tony. "How are you?"

"Fine, fine," Tony said, limping towards the bedroom door, which fortunately was ajar. 

Pepper sighed, and followed him. "Where are we going? To Bruce?"

"Um. No, I don't think so... you know, scientists and guinea pigs? Not a fun combination." Tony peered near-sightedly out of the door and down the corridor. 

Pepper shuddered. "Clint?"

"Target practice." Tony took a few steps outside the door, staying near the wall. Pepper followed with her nose nearly against his furry rump.

"Natasha? No..." Pepper's not sure how Natasha feels about small rodents, but the possibility that she'd test her Widow's Bite on them wasn't nice to contemplate.

"C'mon, Pepper, who do we know who's the poster boy for kitten out of tree rescues?" Tony sounded as if he was trying to convince himself.

"Yes, of course, Steve will help us," Pepper said the same way. "So, to the gym?"

Tony nodded, or at least shrugged his outsize head. "He's always there, this time of day."

***

Steve was indeed, there, pounding a punching bag into submission. From a guinea pig point of view, huddled under a nearby weight bench, Steve was terrifyingly huge and fierce.

Pepper winced as the punching bag flew off and smashed against the far wall. "Um, Tony, have you ever actually _seen_ Steve rescue kittens... or interact with any small animals?"

"Sure. Sure I have... um... lots of times." Tony edged out into the open. "But, you know, why don't you wait here?"

"I have a bad feeling about this, Tony."

Tony's whiskers twitched. "It'll be fine." He scuttled out further into the central clear space and yelled/squealed, "Hey, Steve!"

Steve whirled, jumped at least a foot in the air, and shouted, "RAT!"

Tony squeaked, "No, no! Really, it's me, Steve! It's Tony!" He started running for cover. Steve grabbed a sparring helmet and ran after him with it.

"TONY!" Pepper shouted/squealed, which distracted Steve for long enough for Tony to dart under the cool-down sofa. Steve grabbed the sofa, flipped it in the air, and plopped the helmet down on Tony, trapping him.

"Got you!" Steve shouted.

Tony squealed something that Pepper didn't want to translate. 

"Now, what do I do with you?" Steve asked. He slipped a towel under the helmet, and then flipped it over, deftly wrapping Tony up in the towel before he could scramble out. Pepper was screaming/squealing the whole time. "Huh. You're a funny looking rat," Steve said.

"USE PUPPYDOG EYES ON HIM, TONY!" Pepper screamed. She edged out from under the bench, squinting. She couldn't really see what was happening. Guinea pigs could see color all right, but obviously weren't meant for gazing across vast panoramas. Tony'd used his puppydog eyes on her enough times, she could only hope it translated to guinea pig. There followed several long silent seconds where Pepper held her breath and tried really hard to wake up from this nightmare.

"I didn't think Tony had any rats in his mansion," Steve said finally. "Maybe you're not a rat. Huh... an escapee from Bruce's lab? Yeah, that could be." Steve casually picked up another towel and walked towards the door. Before Pepper realized what was happening, he'd scooped her up. 

"EEEK! Tony!" Pepper squeaked and wriggled in the towel. 

"Let her go! Steve! I swear when I get out of this I will kick your ass!" Tony's head was the only part sticking out of his towel so he couldn't really do much.

"Oh, quit fussing. I'm not going to hurt you, "Steve said.

***

"Nope, they're not mine. I use white mice, mostly. And fruit flies. Sometimes zebra fish." Bruce peered into the plexiglass cage he'd lent Steve for his captives. "These look like guinea pigs bred for the pet trade. You've got a black abyssinian, and a red silkie. They're healthy, I'm sure we could find a home for each of them."

Tony squealed something really nasty and pressed against Pepper. She was shaking, thinking that once they got taken from the mansion, and worse, separated, they'd never be human again.

Steve frowned. "I don't know that I'd feel right, giving them away separately. They seem to like each other."

"They're two different breeds, I doubt anyone would want to keep them together."

"They'd have cute babies," Steve said.

Tony looked at Pepper and gave her a guinea pig grin. She nipped his ear for him. He squeaked and she licked it in apology. 

"Aw, heck, maybe I'll just keep them," Steve said. He opened the cage and stuck his hand in, warily. "Maybe."

This time Pepper was close enough to see Tony give Steve the guinea pig version of puppydog eyes. It was very effective. Then he licked Steve's fingers. "Hey," Tony said when Pepper rolled her eyes at him, "schmoozle or be stuck in some kid's bedroom in a Habitrail."

"Good point." Pepper joined Tony in kissing up to Steve. Wasn't bad, he was a bit salty from exercising, which apparently tasted good to guinea pigs.

"They like me!" Steve cautiously took them out of the cage and set them on the countertop. "Yeah. I can do this. I'll take care of them."

Pepper blinked, finding herself human, and naked, sitting on the counter in Bruce's lab, next to an equally naked, and human, Tony. 

"Excellent!" Tony said, hopping off the counter and holding a hand out to Pepper. "Thanks, Steve!"

Pepper got off the counter, considered blushing, then shrugged and kissed Steve on the cheek. "Thanks, Steve." 

Tony bounced on his heels a bit, and grinned at Steve and Bruce. "Ok, Steve, first thing, coffee. Black, three sugars for me."

"What?" Steve got out after a few seconds of staring and blushing, with a few glances below the collarbone line on Pepper. Bruce was much more calm about it, but then he was much more calm about everything.

"Well, you did promise to take care of us," Pepper said cheerfully as she grabbed Tony's hand. "Cream and one sugar in mine, please." She tugged on Tony's hand. It was still early, and their bed was still unmade. She believed in seizing her opportunities.


	2. Furious Fancies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony makes a wish, and they're back to being guinea pigs again. Oh, well... Tony has contingency plans! But perhaps not quite enough.

Sometimes Tony just liked to get in the Iron Man suit and fly, not to save the world, or do constructive things or even to show off on a publicity stunt. Just to have the illusion that he had no responsibilities, had nothing to worry about, free as a bird in...

"Stark."

Crap. Should have turned off his phone. "Hey, Fury, how's tricks in the spy business?" Tony rolled onto his back and contemplated the possibility of cloud-seeding over the helicarrier. A little spray of silver iodide in that particularly dark cloud would be a good test. "Are you on deck? Have you had a shower today?" Fury ignored him and kept on talking, of course.

"Your ass was supposed to be here for a meeting an hour ago."

"Was that today? Are you sure? Didn't Pepper cancel that? Maybe it was on the wrong edge of your day-planner and you missed it." Barrel rolls were fun.

"Pushing me may be all fun and games for you, Stark, but I'm really not in the mood."

"You don't know how to live, Magic Eye!" Really, while he can't say he feels sorry for Fury, he does sometimes wish that Fury would lighten up, smell the roses, laugh because he's tickled, for... oh, oh. Tony felt it happening this time. _Oooh, no, not again._ He barely had time to tell Jarvis to take auto-pilot before he lost the ability to speak.

Falling down inside the suit until he got wedged just above the ankle joint was a series of bruising collisions accompanied by outraged squeaks. The actual process of transformation didn't hurt though, which he supposed he could have guessed because last time it hadn't awakened him or Pepper. Oh. Pepper... he scratched his whiskers with his right front paw and wondered if she'd been changed, too.

"Jarvis!" he squealed before he remembered the 'accidental guinea pig protocol' he'd programmed into Jarvis and began squeaking in long and short squeals. He hadn't decided whether to call it Mouse Code (which was catchy, but inaccurate because he's not a mouse, and anyway Morse is a cipher, not a code) or Guinea Pig Latin (which is wrong on so many levels, Guinea pigs aren't pigs, didn't originate in New Guinea, never cost a guinea and this isn't Latin, and wow, he's overclocking his brain). Pidgin, call it that. "Jarvis," he squeaked in Pidgin, "is Pepper all right?"

Jarvis's voice sounded far away, and Tony had to perk up his tiny cookie-cutter ears to hear. "Ms. Potts appears to have undergone the same... affliction... as yourself, sir."

Tony sighed. He squeaked, "But she's safe?"

Jarvis was silent for a moment, during which time Tony's tiny guinea pig heart raced so hard he could feel his furry chest vibrate. Finally Jarvis said, "The cleaning staff have chased her into the ventilation system, but her biological signs are steady."

"Get us to the Tower, Jarvis! Now!" Tony braced himself as the suit tilted to the horizontal, and he slid back up into the torso, claws scratching against metal until he got a grip. Flying wasn't much fun when you were stuck in the dark with a nose that was sensitive to motor oil and greasy metal. The suit changed position again, and landed in an upright position. Tony lost his grip and slid back down, this time going past the ankle and getting wedged head down in the foot. "This doesn't smell like a rose garden, Jarvis," he squeaked.

"Indeed, sir, I shall remember to install Odor-Eaters in the next Mark, shall I?" The suit clumped along, Jarvis controlling it remotely after the helmet was removed. Tony had forgot to take that into consideration. He squeaked louder, but couldn't hear Jarvis's response. The boot stopped walking, as it was snatched up by the removal bots. Tony wiggled his fuzzy butt, but he was well and truly stuck, and being carried away from Jarvis, down into the depths of the underfloor storage. 

"Well, crap," he squealed to himself. He braced his ridiculously tiny hands and put his back into it, popping out and falling butt first onto the floor just as the bots began reassembling the armor. He looked around. "Vent. Right. Right. I can do this. I'm coming, PEPPER!" he squeaked as he scuttled around the bots and headed for the vent he'd rigged as an emergency escape. 

He heard the scraping of delicate, feminine guinea pig feet before he got there. But there wasn't quite _there_ as the vent rose up and he wasn't built for climbing. "Pepper?" he squealed, scrabbling his whole rectangular body up as high as he could get it up the metal vent. "Are you all right?"

Pepper's pink nose and twitching whiskers edged over the opening. "Tony, what did you do?"

"Hey! It's not always my fault! You remember, last time we decided it was because you wished for someone to take care of us! I didn't... oh..."

"TONY! What did you _do_!" Pepper's squeal held a world of guinea pig outrage.

"Um. I might, possibly, maybe have expressed a small wish..."

"WHAT?"

"That Fury would lighten up," Tony squealed rapidly. "I didn't MEAN IT."

"Oh, Tony." Pepper turned her head and gazed at him with one dark eye. "What do we do now?"

"Stay there. I'll... figure something out." Tony sat down and scratched at his whiskers. "I guess we have to get to Fury. Jarvis understands Pidgin now, but I didn't install him in the storage area or the vents so he can't help us until I can get to the penthouse."

"Tony." Pepper's squeals sounded nervous. "Hurry. I'm beginning to _like_ being in the ducting."

"Uh. No. Do not go guinea pig native on me, Pepper! I'll be right back." Tony scurried out into the workshop. Build a little ladder? Lighter than air balloon... no. No time. Tony rummaged in the wire recycling basket until he found a damaged hand repulsor and a dented piece of gold-titanium armor small enough to fit in the vent, but big enough to hold him. He dragged both back to the vent and shoved the metal on top of the repulsor. "Ok, Pepper, get back, this is going to be a bit... well... you don't want to be close." He checked that the capacitor on the repulsor still had a feeble charge. Feeble was good. 

"Tony. What?" Pepper said just as Tony climbed onto the metal, leaned down and flicked the repulsor on with his paw. "WOOOOOOOOOAHHH" he squeaked as the blast shot him and the metal up in the tube. It came down nearly as fast, but wedged just below the opening to Pepper's duct.

"Oh, my GOD, Tony, are you all right?"

Tony grinned a full guinea pig smirk at her. "Fine. That was just the way I planned it." He stepped off the metal into her duct. The metal shifted when he still had most of his weight on it. "YIKES!"

Pepper lunged forward, bit the loose skin on his shoulder and dragged him safely into the duct with her. He lay there panting a moment. "Um. Thanks, Pep."

She covered her eyes with her paws. "Tony. I do not like this. Let's go find Fury and get this FIXED." She lowered her paws and glared at him.

"Yeah, right." Tony took off at a fast waddle with Pepper right behind, nipping at his butt to hurry him along. "OW! Pep!"

***

"OK," Tony said, as they ran along, "I'll go first, get Jarvis to ... I don't know, call Fury, tell him a few knock knock jokes."

"Knock knock jokes?" Pepper didn't sound impressed by Tony's guinea pig genius.

"Whatever. Fury cracks a smile, maybe even squeezes out a chortle, and bam! we're back to normal."

"I hope....EEEEE!" 

"What?" Tony turned around. Clint was in the vent and he'd grabbed Pepper by her back leg. "Let her go!" Tony squealed furiously and charged with all the speed his stumpy legs could manage. Not surprisingly, Clint grabbed him around the middle.

Clint looked at them and frowned. "Loki must be behind this."

Tony rolled his eyes. "You're paranoid about Loki," he squealed, deeply regretting that they'd sworn Bruce and Steve to secrecy about the whole guinea pig naked people thing. 

"I should just kill you."

Tony squirmed and tried to reach Clint's fingers to bite him. Pepper had fainted.

"But I should let Fury make the call." Clint kicked out the vent opening and carried them to the quin-jet. 

Tony also regretted he hadn't installed Jarvis in the hangar.

***

"So you see, sir, there's no natural way they could have got into the vents. Not in Stark Tower." Clint dumped Tony and Pepper (now wide awake and trembling) on Fury's desk in his office on the helicarrier.

"One of the scientists might have been experimenting," Fury said. He poked tentatively at Tony with a pencil. Eraser end first. Tony scuttled back to press against Pepper.

Clint made a face. "Stark's got some rule against allowing guinea pigs to be used as lab animals."

Fury shook his head. "You know, Loki is crazy, but he's not _cuddly_ crazy. I'm pretty sure if he wanted to invade Stark's Tower with animals, it'd be more like... oh, man-eating tigers, or giant bugs or snakes. You know, something with a little...dignity."

"Yeah. Well." Clint rubbed at his hair. "Sorry, sir. Do you want me to dispose of them?"

Pepper squealed, and Tony did his best guinea pig growl.

"No, no, I've got this covered. Dismissed, Agent." Fury watched Clint leave, and then he shook his head. "That man needs some serious leave time." Then he looked at the guinea pigs. "Aw, hell. C'mere, sweetheart." He picked up Pepper and stroked her fur. "Did the big bad man scare you, darlin'?"

Tony blinked. "Ok, one of the LMDs got loose."

"Oh, shush, Tony," Pepper said. She climbed up Fury's arm with him cradling his hand to make sure she didn't fall. "We're here, what do we need to get Fury to do?"

"Um." Tony thought back. What exactly had he said? Oh, yeah. "He's got to lighten up, smell the roses, laugh because he's tickled... and that was when I had an attack of the cute."

"Is Fury even ticklish?" Pepper climbed to Fury's shoulder. She sniffed his neck, and Fury grinned. 

"No, baby, you don't want to eat daddy," he said. He cupped his hand loosely around her, stroking her long red fur smoothly.

Tony giggled. "Oh, baby," he squealed. He moved closer to Fury and turned on the guinea pig version of puppy-dog eyes, full blast.

"Damn, but you're a cute little raggedy-ass." Fury was practically cooing as he teased Tony's fur into tufts all over. "Is that your girlfriend? She's a very pretty lady," he said softly as he picked Tony up. "You're not gonna bite old Nick, are you?"

Tony managed the guinea pig equivalent of a purr and did his best sit up and beg impression considering how round his butt was. "Don't judge me, Pepper," he said as he teetered. "I can hear your eye-rolling from here."

"Who me?" Pepper stuck her whiskers against Fury's neck at the same time Tony lost his balance and fell off Fury's hand, landing on Fury's lap with an indignant squeak.

Fury burst out laughing. But that didn't last long. "WHAT the everlovin' HELL!" he shouted and hit an alarm button on finding himself with a lapful of naked Tony Stark, and had to catch an equally naked Pepper Potts before she landed on top of Tony.

"SIR!" Agent Hill said, breaking into the room half a step ahead of Agent Coulson, both of them with guns drawn. They stopped. 

Fury cleared his throat. "Something to do with Loki. Stand down. We don't have a situation."

"Yes, sir," Agent Hill said. She backed up, cleared her face of expression and left.

Coulson stood there, looking at all three of them for a long moment before he holstered his gun. "Sir?"

Fury sighed. "My mother told me there'd be days like this. Would you get my guests some clothing, Agent Coulson?"

"Of course, sir." Coulson nodded and left the room.

Tony grinned up at Fury, who pushed him off onto the floor. "OW! You bruised my cute little raggedy-ass."

Fury rolled his eye and looked at Pepper. "Get his cute little raggedy-ass off my helicarrier, Ms. Potts."

"Yes, sir, Director Fury." Pepper smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this Prompt: Pepper/Tony Be Careful What You Wish For  
> http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/11264.html?thread=25775360#t25775360
> 
> Pepper was getting sick and tired of Tony and her constantly getting into danger and people threatening them because of who they are and what Tony can do. So, one night, she wished that she and Tony will stop being in danger and be taken care of. The next morning, they found themselves transformed into animals. Something cute and adorable please.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Care Tactics](https://archiveofourown.org/works/547420) by [AnonEhouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse), [sisi_rambles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisi_rambles/pseuds/sisi_rambles)




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